Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
