One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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