toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
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It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
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You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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