the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
