Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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