So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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