I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's shark week go big or go home
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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