She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
