its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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