I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
