Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
