when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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