I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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