I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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