I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
