The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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