i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
