Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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