you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
