your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
