how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
