Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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