i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
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You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
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I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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