I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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