Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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