How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
