I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just had sex on a roof
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
