oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
