Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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