I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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