i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
