She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
