similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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