So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
bring money and cleavage
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
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HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
there is glitter all over my balls
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