I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
