I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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