That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
