i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
