The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
