It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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