I only kidnapped one of them. chill
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
