Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
