Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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