When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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