I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize