Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
