I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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