John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
