I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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