y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
