are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize