So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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