I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
