My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
