she woke up with a sticky ear
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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