I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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