you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Text me some of your sweat
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
