I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
