Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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